CHRISTINE COVER is a talented, published writer as well as a captivating photographer. You can read more about Christine on her Visual Arts page. This writing wall contains some of her favourite pieces. Please honour her copyright if you download.
|
|
|
Dim Sum, Magic Mushrooms and Cow Manure
Who’s the idiot here?
by Christine Cover
My husband and I went for a dim sum lunch and because it was so busy, we were seated right next to a table where three men sat, including what I think of as a “Loud-Mouthed Schnook.” The LMS (because I don’t know his name, I’ll use those initials) was holding forth to his audience so loudly that we couldn’t help but overhear. The following is the gist of what he had to say.
When LMS and his first wife got married they went to British Columbia for their honeymoon. Prior to going, a friend of his who had once lived out there told him how and where to look for the magic mushrooms that grow in profusion at that time of year.
LMS was very excited about hunting the elusive mushrooms, but his wife was less than enthused. All she wanted to do was relax, see the sites and go shopping. Aside from her concerns about the legal issues surrounding it, she had great misgivings about taking any sort of drug, no matter how safe LMS assured her it was. She was also not psyched about having to get up in the middle of the night to look for hallucinogenic fungus in a cow pasture, but she agreed to do it once.
The first time they went the field was full of mushroom hunters, and they left empty-handed. By the next evening a light rain had started, so LMS persuaded his new bride to accompany him again, on the theory that there would be fewer people out there in the rain. They got soaked, but as the sun came up LMS found a single large mushroom growing magnificently out of a chunk of cow manure. He picked it and they returned to the hotel for hot showers and dry clothes.
Not knowing exactly what kind of mushroom it was, and fearing poison, LMS prudently called his friend back home to get his opinion on whether the fungus was magical or deadly. His friend said he couldn’t tell without seeing it, but directed LMS to a friend of his still living in the area, who would know right away if it was safe to eat or not.
This magic mushroom expert lived in a small trailer in someone else’s back yard, and apparently spent several minutes trying to locate the door when he heard LMS knocking. Upon understanding why LMS was on his doorstep, the expert solemnly took the mushroom, held it up to the light, smelled it, and then bit off most of it, leaving the very bottom of the stem. He chewed reverently for a minute, swallowed, and handed the stem back to LMS.
“Yep,” he said, “that was a magic mushroom,” and closed the door in LMS’ face. LMS was left there foolishly holding the remains of his fungus.
Knowing that his wife was already pissed off at getting cold and wet the previous night, and thus highly unlikely to agree to help him again in his nocturnal search for illicit substances, LMS had a brainwave. He made his way back to the cow pasture with a large plastic bag and scooped up the cow patty that had grown his mushroom that morning. His theory was that the manure must
contain spores, and therefore could grow more mushrooms. He brought it back to the hotel and placed it tenderly in the bathtub, sprinkling it lightly with water. Then he put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door and settled down to read. A few minutes later his wife returned from shopping and went into the bathroom, emerging a minute or two later, quite angry.
Odd woman that she was, LMS’ wife was not pleased about finding a large pile of cow manure in her bathtub. LMS explained his position, and assured her that no one from the hotel would ever find out as long as they kept the Do Not Disturb sign on the door. Until they had the mushrooms, she would simply have to, as he put it, “suck it up and clean the place in the meantime.” At this point his wife marched straight back into the bathroom, locked the door, and proceeded to flush the toilet repeatedly. LMS pleaded with her to stop her act of wanton destruction, but she did not emerge for several minutes.
Just as LMS suspected, she had flushed the cow patty down the toilet. This was when he carefully explained what an idiot she was. I would estimate that when we overheard his monologue LMS was in his mid to late fifties, so logically this incident must have taken place at least 20 years ago - but he still seemed to be genuinely shocked that she objected to being told to “suck it up” and called names on her honeymoon. He outlined the huge fight that ensued, and said that by the time the honeymoon was over they weren’t speaking. Apparently, they divorced within a couple of months - supposedly because he couldn’t stand being married to someone so stupid as to flush a potential magic mushroom.
LMS stated baldly that he had been married three times, and was currently divorced, but he considered his first wife the stupidest of the lot. He kept saying to his audience, “Can you believe it? I married an idiot!”
While I agree that somebody married an idiot, LMS might be surprised if he knew who I considered the idiot was. It’s not exactly an impenetrable mystery as to why he’s been married and divorced three times, is it?
What a schnook!
Who’s the idiot here?
by Christine Cover
My husband and I went for a dim sum lunch and because it was so busy, we were seated right next to a table where three men sat, including what I think of as a “Loud-Mouthed Schnook.” The LMS (because I don’t know his name, I’ll use those initials) was holding forth to his audience so loudly that we couldn’t help but overhear. The following is the gist of what he had to say.
When LMS and his first wife got married they went to British Columbia for their honeymoon. Prior to going, a friend of his who had once lived out there told him how and where to look for the magic mushrooms that grow in profusion at that time of year.
LMS was very excited about hunting the elusive mushrooms, but his wife was less than enthused. All she wanted to do was relax, see the sites and go shopping. Aside from her concerns about the legal issues surrounding it, she had great misgivings about taking any sort of drug, no matter how safe LMS assured her it was. She was also not psyched about having to get up in the middle of the night to look for hallucinogenic fungus in a cow pasture, but she agreed to do it once.
The first time they went the field was full of mushroom hunters, and they left empty-handed. By the next evening a light rain had started, so LMS persuaded his new bride to accompany him again, on the theory that there would be fewer people out there in the rain. They got soaked, but as the sun came up LMS found a single large mushroom growing magnificently out of a chunk of cow manure. He picked it and they returned to the hotel for hot showers and dry clothes.
Not knowing exactly what kind of mushroom it was, and fearing poison, LMS prudently called his friend back home to get his opinion on whether the fungus was magical or deadly. His friend said he couldn’t tell without seeing it, but directed LMS to a friend of his still living in the area, who would know right away if it was safe to eat or not.
This magic mushroom expert lived in a small trailer in someone else’s back yard, and apparently spent several minutes trying to locate the door when he heard LMS knocking. Upon understanding why LMS was on his doorstep, the expert solemnly took the mushroom, held it up to the light, smelled it, and then bit off most of it, leaving the very bottom of the stem. He chewed reverently for a minute, swallowed, and handed the stem back to LMS.
“Yep,” he said, “that was a magic mushroom,” and closed the door in LMS’ face. LMS was left there foolishly holding the remains of his fungus.
Knowing that his wife was already pissed off at getting cold and wet the previous night, and thus highly unlikely to agree to help him again in his nocturnal search for illicit substances, LMS had a brainwave. He made his way back to the cow pasture with a large plastic bag and scooped up the cow patty that had grown his mushroom that morning. His theory was that the manure must
contain spores, and therefore could grow more mushrooms. He brought it back to the hotel and placed it tenderly in the bathtub, sprinkling it lightly with water. Then he put the Do Not Disturb sign on the door and settled down to read. A few minutes later his wife returned from shopping and went into the bathroom, emerging a minute or two later, quite angry.
Odd woman that she was, LMS’ wife was not pleased about finding a large pile of cow manure in her bathtub. LMS explained his position, and assured her that no one from the hotel would ever find out as long as they kept the Do Not Disturb sign on the door. Until they had the mushrooms, she would simply have to, as he put it, “suck it up and clean the place in the meantime.” At this point his wife marched straight back into the bathroom, locked the door, and proceeded to flush the toilet repeatedly. LMS pleaded with her to stop her act of wanton destruction, but she did not emerge for several minutes.
Just as LMS suspected, she had flushed the cow patty down the toilet. This was when he carefully explained what an idiot she was. I would estimate that when we overheard his monologue LMS was in his mid to late fifties, so logically this incident must have taken place at least 20 years ago - but he still seemed to be genuinely shocked that she objected to being told to “suck it up” and called names on her honeymoon. He outlined the huge fight that ensued, and said that by the time the honeymoon was over they weren’t speaking. Apparently, they divorced within a couple of months - supposedly because he couldn’t stand being married to someone so stupid as to flush a potential magic mushroom.
LMS stated baldly that he had been married three times, and was currently divorced, but he considered his first wife the stupidest of the lot. He kept saying to his audience, “Can you believe it? I married an idiot!”
While I agree that somebody married an idiot, LMS might be surprised if he knew who I considered the idiot was. It’s not exactly an impenetrable mystery as to why he’s been married and divorced three times, is it?
What a schnook!